31 and growing up

man. this blog should be called “I’m 31… and growing up is a fucking struggle.”

today, I had about 3 meltdowns – all of which had to with my life & what the hell I’m doing with it. and where the hell it’s going. and how the eff it’s gonna turn out.

I’m doing something now that pays the bills for sure but I could say that I hate it most days. what’s the solution? change it. cool. change is frightening as fuck especially when you’ve kind of lost sight of whatever dreams you had when you were younger.

i feel so trapped sometimes, but it’s of my own doing. it’s a choice at this point. turns out it always was. and yet it’s hard to change your direction when you’re directionless. that’s how I feel right now. fucking directionless.

i know what I’d like to do: use whatever gifts I’ve been given and somehow enjoy myself while doing it. I’d like to be financially secure without being a slave to making the dollars.

i don’t know many people who are having their cake and eating it too, so to speak, but son of a gun that’s what I want.

am I a child still for thinking it’s possible or wanting that? am I spoiled? do I have too many options? I’m an asshole. that’s the conclusion.

I spend my time dwelling on these things without changing anything because….? I’m scared? I’m lazy? I don’t know how to go about getting there? wanting it NOW. not wanting to have to work for something that I’m not even sure if want yet..?

i need to go through a war or something to realize what a privileged life I lead (we all lead) and quit my bitching.

so many options. so many gifts. but which way should I go? what path should I take? it’s so damn daunting. and all the while, days are passing. time is passing. and I feel more and more trapped in the choices I’ve made this far. and more and more a waste.

are my hormones out of whack? am I just having a bad day? sure. but it’s almost needed so that I reevaluate from time to time. yet useless if I don’t do anything about it. and I don’t know what to do about in a sensical manner.

i need to figure it out.

this growing up thing is a bitch.

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